A Scottish couple returning from their honeymoon in Mexico are thought to have become the first victims of a nationwide epidemic that experts say, could be more taxing than last year.
Stella and Darius McKrankie were diagnosed with Christmas Quiz 2009-Flu after returning to Del Amitri International Airport in Montrose this week. Medical staff at the airport rushed to assist the pair who, witnesses have reported, “looked distressed, with slightly crinkled clothing, and appeared obsessed with finding their baggage on a rotating carousel.”
Scottish chief Medical Commenter, Nicola Bluefin, told reporters that “in the next few months we expect more people to come down with this terrible disease, as more and more people become famous for short periods of time – but not too much to make quiz questions about precisely why they did so too simple so as to make newspaper quizzes tedious.”
Other experts questioned Bluefin’s comments, with Professor Fifteen to One stating that “studies have shown again and again that, no matter how brief a celebrity stays in the public limelight, quiz questions in the Christmas papers about their lives are always tedious.”
Professor Dave McStab of East Kilbride Polytechnic expects a cluster of cases. “Now that the epidemic has reached human to newspaper transmission, we have to expect a rush of idiocy as the year progresses.”
Asked if he had any recommendations about measures that people can take to prevent contamination, McStab advised that “anyone with eyes should avoid reading the papers between 15 December and New Years Day, and should avoid all contact with trivia obsessed relatives during the festive season.”
Yet it is too late for the McKrankies who spent last night hooked up to a de-trivialiser in a specially constructed unit deep underneath West Lothian District Hospital. Speaking via a video uplink, Stella told the press that she had been experiencing tremors, with her hand involuntarily tracing a question mark shape whenever she tried to write her name.
“It’s terrible” she said, “when we spoke to my mother on the video feed, she couldn’t remember my name. She just kept saying, it’s there, I know it, it’s on the tip of my tongue, before tailing off and just saying, it’s gone.”