Sasquatch Backs Brown: Cabinet big beast breaks cover to save the hairy angel
In an unprecedented public display of loyalty, the Sasquatch wrote a letter to every member of the Parliamentary Labour Party praising their leader and calling James Purnell a “prurient careerist Menshevik whose ass is so out of here when I get my hairy palms around his neck.”
The letter, largely written in a moderate, diplomatic tone, marks a departure for the mythical beast of North American native lore, who rarely makes his feelings public. Brownites have latched onto his comments, with one telling this paper that “we thought we’d lost one hairy angel this week when wee Susie was carted off ta rehab, but toss me haggis if we haven’t found us a new wee non-amphibious nessie.”
Other mythical cabinet beasts are considering making similar statements of support, buoyed by the openness of the Sasquatch, also known as Bigfoot. The Griffin, once considered a potential stalking horse, is reportedly planning a press conference with the Chupacabra, with sources familiar with both saying “there has been too much briefing against our dear leader for big beasts like us to remain silent.” Charles Clarke, however is thought to remain in his Amazonian hideout.
Gordon Brown: “All My Cabinet Members Are Idiots”
In an extraordinary political move, the Prime Minister has launched a Youtube campaign against all of his cabinet colleagues, labelling them as “possessed of the acumen of a dog turd” and “barely sentient…drooling, slobbering idiots.”
It is also thought that Brown has drafted a specially crafted resignation letter for each cabinet member, and travelled personally to their constituencies to post them to his own Westminster office. Sources close to the Prime Minister report that he “walked in yesterday morning with a big box full of shiny sequins and gold glitter paste before calling up re-runs of Hartbeat on Youtube and pawing at Tony Hart’s face with his hands.”
One source saw the letters, saying that they were, “irregularly cut, like a distressed child would have done and written on green card in silver ink.” Other sources maintain that pipecleaners were involved, reportedly formed in the shape of an erect phallus under the name of each cabinet minister.
Experts are divided on the significance of Brown’s maneuver. Prof Arnold Tidgingpool of the University of Stalybridge suggested that Brown’s bypassing of traditional political channels was a “masterstroke of political strategy” while his “use of children’s tropes was a brilliantly conceived attempt to instill in his colleagues an inverse sense of earnestness and seriousness.”
Others were more critical. Boris Cadger, who runs a wrecking yard for model boats, said that “the man is clearly bonkers, a lunatic” while Lady Alison Parralel-Universe, leader of the opposition, told this paper that “Brown’s breach of protocol is extraordinary, a slap in the face for democracy. Art Attack, or perhaps Blue Peter, are the best sources for art and crafts instruction, and he should know this.”
One Cabinet minister expressed bafflement, brandishing the letter, which was in an envelope smeared with the word “cunt” in poorly executed 5B pencil. “I’m aware of the deeper political strategy behind this idea,” the minister said, “and I’m sure that sometimes I can be a drooling, slobbering idiot. What does sentient mean again?”
Mandelson on cheese and pineapple sticks: “Don’t please, through your actions, make it any worse for the party.”
Secretary of State for Whatever He Wants, Peter Mandelson, is facing down cabinet colleagues today over plans to include cheese and pineapple cocktail sticks in the buffet at Liam Byrne’s birthday party.
Sources close to Mandelson tell us that the impetus behind the proposal has come from the children’s minister, Ed Balls who, it is believed, stole the idea from a six year-old’s party bag when visiting a community centre in Solihull.
Mandelson, who has a history of facing down Balls, is believed to be apopleptic with rage, having lobbied hard for the party to be outsourced to a Dutch catering firm, who are thought to favor Edam and Melon on ryvita canapes.
As Mandelson told reporters when leaving his office last night, “I haven’t got mixed up with those no-hoper perverted sh*ts again for nothing. They can shove their cheddar coated pineapple rods the same place where their fuc*ing policies come from.” After being questioned by the BBC’s Nick Robinson for clarifcation of this remark, he took the reporter by his pate, turned him round and pointed towards Number 10 before whispering “I’m talking about their arses you daft c*nt.”